When I first started writing this, I had no intention of posting it: it's just a little piece of introspection, and in many places it sounds almost disgustingly self-pitying to me. I wrote it because writing like this helps me think through things, not so that I could show the world what a self-centered, whiny brat I am. But as I wrote, it occurred to me that this is exactly the kind of thing that people have told me they like about this blog: having a window into the recesses of my mind. And, after all, if I am
a self-centered, whiny brat, it's probably about time people knew it.
Of course, given my recent laxness in posting, I'm not even sure anyone still reads this blog. *shrugs* Oh, well. I wrote this stuff anyway, so I might as well post it. If you read it, I hope you find the "window" enlightening.****
I'm not sure what started it, but I've been in a somber and contemplative mood for the past few days. Actually, I know exactly what started it, but I don't care to write about the details, at least not yet.
As I said, I've been a bit contemplative of late, which is always dangerous: "contemplative" for me often leads to "mildly depressed," and this time has been no different. In this case, I think it has resulted from several factors.
The first is a combination of empathy for others and frustration over my own inability to help them. Some of my friends (both here and elsewhere) have been going through some rough times of late, and it's wearing me down. I hate to see people (especially my friends) in pain, but I'm never sure how or if I can do anything about it. I try to be thoughtful, considerate, supportive, and helpful, but I think sometimes I only make things worse. The result? I start feeling angry with myself, which is not only unfair to my friends, it's also downright unhelpful.
Another factor contributing to my blue funk has been our recent work in Senior HNRS Seminar: writing a self-analysis paper and discussing "who we are." As much as I wanted to pass the assignment off as a BS-fest, I couldn't help but take it a bit seriously. I'll be turning 21 in about a week, so I was starting to get introspective anyway. And thinking about myself (strengths, weaknesses, goals, etc) for the assignment didn't help. The result was the following set of musings.
What have I done with my life so far? Have I used my time well or squandered it on wasteful things? Have my actions pleased God, or does he weep as my life unfolds? Have I been a good, caring, and faithful friend, or is my presence more of a burden than a blessing?
Where will my life go from here? Where am I meant to be? What am I supposed to do with my life? Where will God lead me? How should I prepare for the future? After next spring, will I ever see my LU friends again?
Most of these questions I cannot answer. I've made some good decisions in the past, but I've made some bad ones, as well: that's life. I can't afford to go through life playing the "what if?" game. But I worry about the present almost as much as I worry about the past and future.
I've been greatly blessed in my life, both in my relationships and in my personal qualities, but I'm far from perfect. I have a loving family and a wonderful circle of friends. I'm intelligent (most of the time), patient (usually), and good-natured (for the most part). On the other hand, I'm passive (more often than I should be), slow of thought (when it's most inconvenient), and not a particularly exciting conversationalist (ever). While the first three traits (strengths) are particularly useful for being a student, the latter three (weaknesses) are rather important in social settings. Thus, it would seem that I'm not what you might call a "social butterfly." (This should come as little surprise to you.)
In the past few days, I often found myself feeling like a fifth wheel (or third, seventh, or ninth). Not just around couples, either: sometimes I felt like a "fifth wheel" when I was with only one other person (or just a small group). Naturally, I'm curious about what caused those feelings. Part of it, I'm sure, came from the fact that I'm a bit out of the loop. As one of the few people who doesn't live in an apartment, I'm typically a bit isolated from the goings-on. But surely there's more to it than that?
As I thought about it, it seemed to me that my primary contribution to The Group of late has been to make jokes, and those are usually bad. I suppose there's nothing wrong with being one to bring laughter, but I'd like to be more than the joker of the group. Am I really that amusing, or am I simply tolerated out of pity and courtesy? Do I have some quality that I'm not seeing, something that makes me worth being around?
Analyzing the dynamics of relationships is probably one of the fuzziest activities we can do. Social interaction is so riddled with emotions that quantitative examination is likely to be very difficult. Certainly, there are elements that we can point out fairly easily. For example, my friends help me see things from different perspectives. They force me to look at myself, to analyze my behavior and question my beliefs. But there's more to it than that. We were built to be social creatures, and there's a spiritual element to most relationships that is beyond the realm of "hard science." I
feel like I belong when I'm with friends. I just
enjoy being with certain people, and it's not easy to isolate specific reasons for that.
That said, I think I'll take a shot some self-analysis anyway; if nothing else, it might help me bring an end to this introspective mess I've gotten myself into.
Let's see, my good qualities...Well, I'm a pretty good listener. I try not to insult people or cause conflicts. I do occasionally come up with a worthwhile addition to a conversation, and sometimes my jokes are actually funny. I suppose there are worse kinds of people to hang out with, eh?
Besides, if my friends were seriously unhappy with me, they would have said something by now (I hope). With that in mind, I guess I won't worry too much about it.
Wow, this is getting a bit long. I could go on, but I think this is enough thinking for now. If I kept going, I might have trouble stopping. What I need now is an anecdotal conclustion...ah, yes. This should do nicely:
A professor here recently gave a devotional on Proverbs 3:5: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straights your paths" (ESV). The professor made an interesting observation: even a straight path does not pass on its own. We still have to walk the path: God's help just makes it a little easier.
Well, I've lingered for too long. *stands up, dusts self off* It's time for me to keep walking. And despite my faults, quirks, and indecisions, I will continue to walk with you, my friends, as long as you will have me.
So to keep me from being too elated by the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from being too elated. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." --2 Corinthians 12:7-10
