Sardonic, Squirrelly, and Slightly Satirical [CEP]

Here it is, a special little story, just for Someone (you know who you are). Fair warning: I’ve never attempted to write allegory or satire (or whatever this style of writing is called) before. I did my best, but this is still new stuff for me. Those of you who enjoy literary analysis should have fun with this one (except that it’s probably too easy).

Disclaimer: This story was written in a fit of pique and bitterness. I had had a rough day, and the admonition "You need to post" was just the last little bother that I didn't need. As a result, some of you might find reason to be insulted by the story. Although this was my intention as I wrote the story, the passage of a few days has cooled my raging emotions and shown me how childish my response was. I now offer the story simply as a story to be read for the fun of it. If you decide to be offended anyway...well, I'm sorry, but read the disclaimer under the title of my blog.

So, here goes nothing:

“Back to Square One”

Once upon a time, there was a young squirrel named Alan. He lived by himself in The Forest of Elyoo, at the top of a small tree in the middle of a field. He spent most of his time studying the various plants and animals that lived in The Forest. He was generally a very shy, quiet squirrel who didn’t go out of his way to make friends. But he was friendly enough with the squirrels around him, and he had a small group of close friends. Alan and his friends formed a group that they called the “Squirrel Convention.”

The other members of the Squirrel Convention lived in The Logs, a group of fallen trees at the edge of the field. They often encouraged Alan to join them in The Logs, but Alan was happy with his little tree. From his frequent visits to The Logs, he had seen the kind of effort that living there required. Residents modified their Logs several times a week, some as often as once a day. The main benefit of living in The Logs was that it allowed people to live together and thus keep in contact more easily. But since Alan could take a two-minute trip from his tree to The Logs to visit the Squirrel Convention, he didn’t see any reason to go to all the extra trouble of maintaining a Log.

So life went on for Alan and his Squirrel Convention friends. They studied, they socialized, and they generally had fun. Life was good.

Then, one summer, after a particularly brutal round of exhortations from the Squirrel Convention, Alan decided to move to The Logs. He reasoned that it would be worth the extra trouble to save the trips to and from The Logs and to stop his friends from pestering him. He packed up his belongings and moved from his small, private tree to a much larger and more crowded Log. His friends Bandanna and Skull (also known as “the Vindictive Curmudgeon”) were the first to welcome him to The Logs. Winston (alias “the Eccentric Epidemiologist”), Les (pronounced “less”), and Roller soon joined the welcoming party. By the time Ardent, Galapagos, Barbary, Dandy Moss, Brit, and Dullpound joined the others, Alan was feeling warm and fuzzy inside (as well as outside). He couldn’t believe he had been so firmly set against The Logs, and he looked forward to years of happy Logging.

At first, everything went smoothly. It took Alan a few days to adjust to his new lifestyle, but he enjoyed it all the same. His friends were encouraging and helpful, and Alan was generally pleased with the way things were.

But after a while, things took a turn for the worse. Alan was happy to leave his Log the way it was, making only occasional changes to it. But some of the other members of the Squirrel Convention didn’t like this attitude. They thought Alan needed to make more changes. They started to pester Alan again. Alan told them he was happy with his Log the way it was, but his friends wouldn’t listen. They insisted that he update his Log to fit the moods of the time. Alan made some minor changes to his Log, just to appease them, but it wasn’t enough; the next week, the Squirrel Convention was back again, demanding more changes and newer styles.

Alan was torn. He wanted to stay on good terms with his friends, but he just didn’t seem to fit into their particular way of life. He tried to keep up with the ever-changing ways of The Logs, but after a few weeks he had had enough. If he couldn’t run his Log his own way, he wouldn’t bother trying. One morning late in autumn, he packed his things and moved back to his little tree in the field.

Alan remained a part of the Squirrel Convention, and he still got along with his friends. But he was always a little sad when he remembered those first good days in The Logs, and he tried not to think about how things could have been.

The End

The Burden of Proof

Wow, two posts in as many days! I sure hope Someone is reading, since he's so keen to see what I have to say.

This isn't the "nice juicy tidbit" I mentioned yesterday, but I was "rather" amused with this article, so I thought I'd link it. A particularly good excerpt:

A CBS spokeswoman told the [Washington] Post: "In the end, the gist is that it's inconclusive. People are coming down on both sides, which is to be expected when you're dealing with copies of documents." Translation: We can't prove the source is true, but you can't prove it's not.

Well, since this is the new standard, I would like to announce my next column topic right now: Dan Rather has eaten fifteen German Shepherds in the last year alone and he considers himself the Warrior King of the planet Blarnack. I have just printed out documents that back up my story. It is for CBS to prove me wrong.

"The Big Two-O" (JFtHoI)

Someone has recently been nagging me, saying I need to post or something. At his urging, I've got a nice, "juicy" tidbit in the works now. But to tide Someone over until it's finished, here's a little introspective mumbo-jumbo.

Later this week, I will enter my third decade of life. I will be twice as old as I was ten years ago (which is something that I will never be able truthfully to say again). I'll be about one-quarter the age of my father's mother. I think most of you can figure out how old that is. If not, I'm very, very disappointed with you.

There are several "interesting" things I could do for a Birthday Fun Post: talk about how I've grown up and changed over the years; talk about all the things I've done over the years; talk about all the people I've known over the years; talk about all the years I hope to have yet.

But I don't wanna. This post is, frankly, just to appease Someone. Maybe I'll be more talkative come B-Day.

So: happy now, Someone?

Textbook Examples

So. It's been a while since I posted anything amusing. Well, I don't have too much time to come up with anything right now, so I'll steal from other people instead.

What follows is a collection of amusing quotes from textbooks. At least, I thought they were amusing. Hope you do, too:

*********

Linguistics

Proving that written English is not a phonetic language...
"I take it you already know
Of tough and bough and cough and dough?
Some may stumble, but not you,
On hiccough, thorough, slough, and through?
So now you are ready, perhaps,
To learn of less familiar traps?
Beware of heard, a dreadful word
That looks like beard and sounds like bird.
And dead, it’s said like bed, not bead;
For goodness’ sake, don’t call it deed!
Watch out for meat and great and threat.
(They rhyme with suite and straight and debt.)
A moth is not a moth in mother,
Nor both in bother, broth in brother."

The role of context...
“Pragmatics also tells us about language use. It tells us that calling someone a son of a bitch is not a zoological opinion, it’s an insult. It tells us that when a beggar on the street asks do you have any spare change? It is not a fiduciary inquiry, it’s a request for money.”


Basic Reasoning

Regarding truth tables...
“Now that’s the sort of fun you can have for hours, without gaining weight, spending money, or risking infection.”

Discussing classes (categories)...
“(Notice that everything outside the circle need not be an optimist; many people and seals—and almost all rocks, turnips, volcanoes, and radioactive isotopes—are neither pessimistic nor optimistic; but they are still non-pessimists.”

More about classes...
“(Anything outside all three circles is non-S, non-P, and non-C: it is a non-seal, non-pessimist, non-cribbage-cheater. And I trust that most of us—with perhaps a few unsavory exceptions—fall into that category).”

What better way to close than with a quote about statistics...
“Unfortunately, many people—particularly politicians and advertisers—lean on statistics the way a drunk leans on a street lamp: for support, rather than illumination.”

The Fall '04 Lineup

Well, it looks like this is going to be a fun, busy semester. For no reason other than that I need Post Fodder, I shall outline my schedule.

1) Western Civ 1 is just a basic history class, but it's with Dr. K., so it should be at least moderately entertaining.

2) Intro to Speech should be interesting. Given my interest in communication and all things linguistic, a speech class seems like a good idea. That and the fact that I generally despise public speaking, which is exactly why I need a class for practice. Still, Sharptiano and I have been pleased with Prof. Payton and are looking forward to some amusing times.
Possible speech topic: The Wonderful World of Alliteration in Action *grins*

3) Modern Physics is going to bend my mind into all sorts of uncomfortable and unnatural positions, leaving me as limp and helpless as a jellyfish on a cactus. Nevertheless, this mental contortionism routine should be fun.

4) Spanish will also be fun, but probably a lot of work. Learning a new language is rarely easy, but this class is right up my academic alley.

5) World Lit Through Film will certainly be special. Dr. Solganick is crazy, but so are we, so that shouldn't be too much of a problem. What will be a problem (for me) is the sickening amount of "literary analysis" and interpretation that the class will involve.

6) And finally, I have History of the English Language. I expect this to be my favorite class of the semester. Aside from the fact that Wheeler is taking it with me, and beyond the fact that Dr. Watson is teaching it, this is the closest I'll get to a real linguistics class here at LU.
Possible paper/presentation topics: Swearing; Idioms and Euphemisms; English-teacher English *grins again*

*rolls up sleeves and raises mug* So, here's to a new semester: may we do well and emerge alive.