Absurdity, Again

In the spirit of The Onion and my tongue-in-cheek previous post, I give you a made-up story whose real-world inspiration astounds and saddens me.
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"Americans Call for bin-Laden's Americanization"

Washington, D.C.-- In a speech from the White House yesterday, President Bush echoed the thoughts of all Americans when he demanded that Osama bin-Laden immediatedly renounce his Middle Eastern heritage and become an American.

"It's the least he can do for his role in the 9/11 attacks and ongoing terrorism," Mr. Bush said. "Any rational, thinking person would not stay in a position such as his one minute, but would become a U.S. citizen forthwith."

"And don't think you can get out of this just by saying you're sorry," the president continued. "Until we see some immigration papers and citizenship-test results, you are so not forgiven!"

Bush's speech has met with unanimous approval. Senator John Kerry praised the president's remarks for their vigor and accurate representation of predominant opinion. "President Bush really hit this one on the head," the senator said.

Bin-Laden is widely recognized as one of the leaders of the Global Terrorist Movement. As of press time, he has neither made a public statement nor begun the process of obtaining U.S. citizenship.