“I Sit and Think” or “Hope after Despair”

Sometimes when I write poems, I have a specific purpose in mind; I might want to write something about Thanksgiving or cheese, for example. Other times, I just feel overwhelmed by my thoughts or emotions, and I simply write what comes to my mind. This poem is an example of the latter; it's a view of my darker side. In fact, it says a lot of things that I've said in previous posts (the struggles continue). But this poem will be a more concise account of my recent thoughts than anything else I could compose.
So, without further introduction: "I Sit and Think."

I sit and think about the things that go on in my life,
About the joys and victories, the losses and the strife.
I sit and think about the way I spend each passing day,
And whether I am wasting time as life slips fast away.
I sit and think about the things I have been called to do;
I’d gladly go and do them now, if what they were I knew.
I sit and think about the things that make me who I am,
And wonder whether anyone besides me gives a damn.
I sit and think about my friends, whom I love and hold dear;
I weep to think I might not see them more after this year.
I sit and think about the way I try to be a friend,
To help, support, uplift, encourage, and damages to mend,
And how my efforts never seem to mean much in the end.

I wonder if it matters that I'm doing all I can;
When faced with these concerns, I'm more an earthworm than a man.
I never know the words to say or actions I should take;
I want to lift up and restore, not fumble, drop, and break.
Does it make any diff'rence; have I been a help at all?
Or have my words and actions simply built another wall?
The specter of incompetence pursues me in my dreams;
It laughs to see my futile hopes, it mocks my anguished screams.
I scarce can stand the thought that I'm a burdensome classmate;
A guy who just can't get things right; a friend that's just third-rate.
I cry and moan and gnash my teeth and beat me mentally;
These tortures may be silent, but the pain is real to me.
I seek a place of refuge, but there's nowhere I can flee.

I'm trapped by my emotions as they overwhelm my thoughts;
They dart and flit around my mind and leave me there, distraught.
I see the strife in people's lives and long to ease the pain,
But even when I think I have, it soon returns again.
I can't escape the thoughts of things that happened in the past;
I'm haunted by what might have been if things could be recast.
I quake with fear to think about the future days to come;
I dwell on possibilities and find myself struck dumb.
I know it doesn't do much good to second-guess what's done,
But I can't help the fact that I want to help everyone.
I'll likely never know just what effects my life has had;
I only hope and pray I've done more good than I've done bad,
And brought more people cause to laugh than reason to be sad.

I wrestle with the darkness, I strive to find the light;
But all I feel inside of me are anger, pain, and fright.
I listen to the music play, I drown myself in work;
But none of that relieves the pain or clears away the murk.
I want to feel God’s peace in me, to be complete and whole,
But all I feel is numbness cold, a deadness my soul.
Life is hard, it has been said, and that I can attest;
You run and fight and sweat and bleed and yearn for quiet rest.
And when you think you’ve found a chance to rest your weary head,
Life kicks you in the face again and leaves you there for dead.
The grass withers, the flower fades, the body turns to dust,
My soul cries out, my mind despairs, my heart breaks down like rust;
God’s Word and Love eternal live; in them I place my trust.


For the rest of the story, see this post. It's old, but the feelings and thoughts expressed therein (see especially the closing poem) are still with me. Perhaps more so now than then.

(Oh, and Wilson: sorry about the under-age use of rhyming couplets. ;-p)

'"In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world."' --John 16:33

'So we do not lose heart. Though our outer nature is wasting away, our inner nature is being renewed day by day. For this slight momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.'
--2 Corinthians 4:16-18