Hollow Me? [SoC]
My dad's mother died on Wednesday. She had been in pretty good health, but she was 80 years old, so it wasn't completely unexpected. We don't really know how or why she died, but we're pretty sure it was peacefully, while she was sleeping.
It had to happen sooner or later: someone close to me has died. A loved one has "passed on," and I'll never see or speak to her again.
I'm sad about this, but it seems more like an intellectual sadness than an emotional sadness. I'll think, Wow, I'll never see my grandma again, and that makes me sad. But I don't feel as sad as I think I should. I haven't cried about it. I haven't been changed by it; I've hardly been affected by it. I think.
Does this mean that I'm strong, I have a solid faith, and I can deal with negative emotions? Or does it mean I'm cold, uncaring, and distant? I'd love to be able to claim the former, but I don't know how I could have gained such strength: I've never suffered any real tragedy or loss before.
Who am I? What is it that makes me who I am? What kind of person am I? What does it matter? Who cares about my personality?
Why am I still awake?
Big questions. Too big to be answered in one night.
On a completely unrelated note (except as far as it bothers me), I can't access Buzznet from my room computer. So I'll have to go to the labs to register and stuff. Blah.
posted by Martinez at 1:40 PM
3 Comments:
I am sorry your grandmother died. I knew my grandmothers only from pictures, since they both passed away before I was born. I would venture that your life will be richer for having known her.(if you can pardon that trite phrase) There is no "one way" to grieve, or to feel.
Maybe there's a different reason for the fact that you don't "feel" sad.
I know that when each of my grandmothers died, I did not "feel" sad. Part of that can be attributed to the fact that I had cried my tears and dealt with the loss in the years before since one had been basically comatose and the other had mental dementia.
There's also a lot of I've been learning about so called "feelings" the last year or so. Part of the learning process has been learning not to depend on feelings. Or maybe I've gotten used to the constant changes of college. I guess it's just that emotions are necessary with major life-changing events in a way, especially negative ones.
I would assert that you are strong and have a solid faith. I would also say that you are definitely not cold or uncaring.
Now being distant...I really couldn't be the judge of that with regards to yourself. I've seen evidence for the above-mentioned assertions. But I know what it feels like to be distant. I felt that way at both of my grandmothers' funerals.
Okay. I'm rambling. Maybe there's just something I've picked up and you also have when it comes to dealing with life and just kinda "going with the flow." It's not a great description. What I mean is that maybe you are able to deal with changes, of any type, rather well and have a deep-rooted understanding that they are necessary in life.
I say this now, but I always wonder how well I would deal with it if someone close died to me where it was completely unexpected--someone of a "younger" variety.
sorry for that rather long comment....
I thought of something else tonight. With regards to 9-11, I'm still mostly of no feeling except with regards to my sister. I wasn't suprised at all and the tragedy did not affect me like it seemed to affect everyone else around me. Even now people can't understand how I could be so distant and not quite so caring.
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