Reruns, Part 2

To help us take our minds off of scary, sad, or depressing things, I offer the next installment of "Reminder Reruns." Enjoy.

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You are entering a cliché, dimly-lit conference Room. The walls are a drab shade of Grey, the carpet is Faded, and an odd-looking Fellow in a brightly-colored Hawaiian shirt is seated at the Circular Table in the center of the Room. His elbows rest on the Table, his fingers are steepled in front of his face, and a look of Grim thoughtfulness creases his brow. The Room’s only source of illumination is a single light Bulb swaying gently from a cord in the ceiling. As you approach the Table, the Man’s eyes shift to gaze at you from behind his Glasses. He rises and greets you with a polite nod, and you notice that he is slightly taller than average. His somewhat out-of-place appearance is amplified by the Fact that, not only is he wearing a Hawaiian shirt, he’s wearing shorts. You shrug to yourself as the Strange Man indicates the Chair opposite him. As you lower yourself slowly into the Chair, the Man takes his seat and fixes you with what you assume is supposed to be a Grim stare. Before you have a chance to comment on the Absurdity of his Manner or Attire, the Man speaks.

“You’re probably wondering why I called you here today. Well, we have pressing business to discuss. As you are probably aware, this coming weekend is Fall Break. Several of our Number have stated that they might not be around on Friday. As you can imagine, this creates an interesting conflict for our usual...activities. We don’t want to move on if people are absent, but we don’t want to simply waste the evening, either. To that end, we have decided on a compromise...”

The Unusual Man trails off as a small cloud of what appear to be Spacecraft flies past, pursued by two Crabs who seem to be proficient in the martial arts. The Man shakes his head and sighs, then continues.

“As I was saying, we have decided on a compromise; everyone who IS able to attend on Friday is to select a passage from the Bible, and we will try to have some form of organized Discussion of them...although with this group, I wouldn’t bet on it.”

As the man finishes speaking, you hear several clicking snaps, and a claw Hammer flies out of nowhere and thwacks the man in the head, knocking him out of his seat. This is probably fortunate, as the hammer is followed by a volley of folding Knives (of various sizes), which sail harmlessly through the Space where the man’s head was just a moment ago.

The man staggers to his feet, rubbing his head and wincing slightly. “I really need to learn to keep my mouth shut...” he mutters. Glancing up, he once again addresses you. “Anyway, if you care to join us on Friday night, we’ll be in the same place, at the same time.” Glancing into the shadows, he adds, “You might want to wear body armor if you come, though.” With that, the man ushers you out the Door, leaving you shaking your head wondering what exactly just Happened.

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*The following is spoken in a Great Announcer Voice. Think of the guy who read about the Spring Break Missions in Chapel last week.*

“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Are your Friday nights a little on the dull side? Do you wish you ended your work week with a little bit of adventure? Do you want to get your weekend off to a great start, every week? If you answered ‘yes’ to any of these questions, why not give Friday Night “HNRS” Bible Study a chance?

At FN”H”BS, you get to study the Bible with a great group of people. You’ll all help each other work through the material, and you’ll have fun while you’re doing it. Never tried a Bible study before? Not to worry! All are welcome to join. The casual, friendly atmosphere will make you feel right at home.

So if you want to bring a little more intellectual stimulation to your Friday evening, stop by FN”H”BS. This activity has been clinically proven to generate lively discussions, and best of all, admission is absolutely FREE (you just pay to get yourself to Longview Hall room 139 at 10:30 pm, along with any other fees that may come up)! Bring a Bible and be prepared for discussion and thinking. If you’re not totally satisfied, we’ll give you your admission fee back!

This week, we’re continuing our look at the book of Amos. Hope to see you there!
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The Exasperated Jewish Mother reminder email
courtesy of Mr. Wilson and Mr. Wheeler.
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Dearest little bubeleh,

So, how are finding the university, eh? Very busy, I'm sure. Of course, a mother can't expect her offspring to call her all the time. What, you think I want you should let your grades suffer, with schmoozing with the relatives all day? Feh, you need to keep your mind on your work. I only spend three hours a day by the telephone, in case you should ever find time to call. Five on Saturdays. I suppose you could always write, but then you have to do so much writing already. I wouldn't want you to go to all the trouble of sending me a note every few months to tell me what the weather is like.

Do you dress warmly enough? I try not to worry so much about you catching pneumonia like your poor uncle Isaac when he was in school. I hope you like the sweater I made for you. Just a little shmatte, really. I knitted it while I was sitting by the telephone last month. I don't want you to pretend you like it if you don't. It probably doesn't fit in any case. I'm sure you're just a scarecrow by now. I try not to worry about your eating. Not everybody eats like your poor cousin Else. She left home and came back as skinny as a rake. But she was never a very attractive girl. My sister wants her to marry a nice doctor, but I don't think anyone but a plastic surgeon would take an interest in her. At least she sings a little, and took French lessons.

But you're so much more talented than she is, libling. I just wish you wouldn't let all that charm go to waste. Gevalt! There must be a few nice young people at that school. Isn't there a special someone there at all? Have you met any law students? What about that nice one with the red hair who gave us directions to the student union? Meh, you have your reasons. G-d knows what they may be, but who I am to judge? I have tried to be a good mother to you. G-d knows how I've suffered to bring you up properly, to teach you to take proper care of yourself, to stand up straight, to give you nice clothes to wear, to give you a decent education. What do I ask in return -- gratitude? Listen, gratitude I can do without, and I wouldn't get it anyway, you know it and so do I. I'm not complaining. All I'm saying is this: I'm not getting any younger. I would like to know before I die that you are married and happy and not alone in the world. I would, believe me, go into the coffin with a smile on my face to have seen and held on my lap a couple of grandchildren. You want I should not see my grandchildren before I die?

Far more important than your charm is your education. Your father and I have been talking, and we have come to a very important decision. You aren't a baby anymore, bubeleh. After all, you're in college, you're living by yourself, and (may G-d not smite me for saying it) you're staying out of trouble, heaven be praised. It's time for you to make your own choices, and your father and I have decided not to interfere. If the course of study you have chosen makes you happy, then who are we not to be happy? Your father and I think, though, that you might be happiest being a doctor, if you would only try it for a year or two. Or maybe an attorney or a CPA.

But what is your education next to your faith? Nothing! Feh! Nothing is more important than your G-d. Love, intelligence, money -- all trifles! They will dry up like the dew and blow away like chaff. Listen to these words, my child. I hope you are not neglecting your Bible study while you are there, bubeleh. Of course, I don't like to nag, but I know there's a group of fine young people that meet every week to study the Holy Scriptures. Of course, if you don't have time, I'm sure G-d will understand. After all, it's not as if this concerns Him at all. Better to use that time to study or spend time at the bar with your friends, or whatever you do, I suppose. You aren't going to that Pink Pandemonium place or whatever they call it on Friday nights, are you, heaven forbid? I don't know how I would explain it to your grandmother, you see. Anyway, never mind that.

If you should be making good grades and have no homework and maybe have all your friends die some Friday night, perhaps you could find it in your heart to make a little time for G-d, no? I'm told these nice young people are happy to have visitors when they meet in Lateview Hall, I think that's what it's called, at 10:30 p.m. I don't remember what room it was in, but I'm sure you can find them with a little bit of effort; you were always the smart one in the family. Your brother couldn't find room 139 if it hit him in the forehead, poor thing. Not that I'm complaining, mind you. It isn't everyone who can find room 139 in some random Longlook building. I'm sure the Lord must have had good reasons for giving you this ability to find classrooms, but if you choose not to use it, who am I to judge? I think they're studying the prophet Amos lately.

Anyway, your aunt Rachel is calling from the kitchen, so I need to close. The woman burns water when I leave her alone too long. Heaven knows what I've done to deserve such a life. I get no gratitude.

Your loving mama,

Mama


P.S. I think the name of the building was Longview Hall. Room 139. 10:30 on Friday night.

P.P.S. But I'm sure G-d will understand if you can't make it.

P.P.P.S. Don't forget to take a Bible.